On Mother's Day: An Open Letter to My Son's Birth Mom

Dear "Her",

We don't know each other. In all likelihood we will never meet. I have no way of finding you.  Despite your anonymity, I have thought about you frequently in the last six and a half weeks. You were on my mind when I traveled to the other side of the world. Thoughts of you tugged at my heart when a precious little Asian-eyed boy was placed into my arms. You were on my mind as I took an oath to never abandon or abuse him and signed it with my thumbprint. Thoughts of you consumed me when I visited the orphanage where he spent the first months of his life and the spot where you left him to be found. In the weeks since we've been home I've thought of you a little less often as I've settled into being his mama. At times I have an irrational pang of guilt when he lavishes his kisses on me or when he cuddles closely to my neck on his way to sleep. I wonder if you would have made a different choice had you known how healthy he would turn out to be.

People ask me about you. Sometimes they insensitively refer to you as his "real" mom. I know what they mean. Usually they want to know if I know anything about you or have any contact with you. They want to know why you "gave him up." You see, we live in such an abundantly blessed country that most people here can't fathom the desperation that would drive a mother to abandon her child. Most people here don't know that the only way to give a child up for adoption in China is to abandon him and hope for the best. They assume that you didn't love him or that you somehow were hard and uncaring. They don't know that many times the children found abandoned in China are wrapped up in blankets with hot water bottles to keep them warm and have a note pinned to them begging someone to help the precious child they can't care for. They haven't seen the footage from the security camera at the Guangzhou baby drop station that shows sobbing mothers walking, crawling or being dragged away from their babies, consumed with the agony of an unthinkable choice.

I know how it feels to have life move inside you. I know how it feels to bring a child into this world only to find out that as they leave your body, somehow they take a big piece of your heart with them forever. I know how it feels to love someone so much more than you ever thought possible. I can't imagine the decision to lay down my child and walk away. Considering the hopelessness you must have gone through in coming to such a decision shatters my heart.

Did you save the news clipping in the local paper that featured his picture asking you to come forward to claim him? Did you ever consider doing just that but then realize your circumstances hadn't changed? Do you think about him every day even though it has been nearly two years since you 've seen him? Does your heart ache this Mother's Day with thoughts of a child you once held that has your eyes?

The truth is that I will never have answers to the questions. I will never know his family medical history. I will never know if he has your nose. I will never know if you were too young, too sick, too poor to meet his needs. Maybe you hid the pregnancy so that you were not forced to kill your unborn child. Maybe he was a forbidden second child that you were forced to hide as he grew in your belly. There are a million maybes and all I have are a few rudimentary facts. Someday when he asks, I will tell him that you chose life for him in a country that encourages and at times forces women to abort their babies. I will tell him that you left him in a place where you knew for certain that he would be found and cared for. I will tell him that you did the best you could. I will assure him that you loved him.

If I could, I'd tell you about this amazing boy that you brought into this world. I'd tell you how he loves watermelon and red raspberries more than anyone I've ever known. I'd tell you  how he loves bath time and peek-a-boo and how he starts to dance at the first note of music. I'd tell you how smart and funny he is and how he has the best belly for blowing raspberries. I'd describe how he smiles and laughs with his whole face until his eyes disappear.

I would assure you that he is safe, that he is well fed and that he is loved. Oh how he is loved!! He has the kind of daddy most people only dream of having. He has a big sister and a big brother who dote on him constantly. He has the best sets of grandparents in the world and a slew of aunts, uncles and cousins that adore him.

I promise you I will always put his needs above my own. I will make sure he gets a good education. I will make sure he eats his vegetables and washes behind his ears. I will comfort him when he is afraid. I will nurse skinned knees and broken bones and head colds and tummy viruses. I will hug him often and protect his heart and his mind and his body. I will be there when he has his first broken heart, when he makes the team - or doesn't, when he graduates from high school, when he marries the one he loves. I will teach him to balance a checkbook, to scrub a toilet and to iron his own shirts. I will encourage him to pursue his dreams and work hard to achieve his goals. I will do these things and more because I am his mother.

There will always be a part of his heart that belongs to you. There will always be a piece of his life that is yours. The truth is that without you he wouldn't be mine and I would have missed the blessing of mothering him. Thank you for the precious gift of this boy's life.

I pray that your heart finds peace and that you know that he is loved.

Two and a Half Weeks Home...an Easter Update

It's hard to believe we will celebrate one month with Caleb this week! He has been officially a Porter for almost a month and home for two and a half weeks!! I am happy to report that he is doing amazingly well!! When I think about all the change in his little life over the past six weeks I am completely in awe of his progress. His world was shaken when he was moved from Hope Foster Home, where he had lived for the past year, back to his orphanage in preparation for adoption and then two weeks later it was shaken again when he was driven to a hotel and handed over to two people he'd never met! He spent time in three different hotels with us in China, took three airplane rides and countless van rides with us and then ended up on the opposite side of the world with a bunch of pale skinned people who spoke a language he had never heard, ate food he had never tasted and called him a name he had never answered to!! It makes my head spin!!

First trip to the park

The first days home were HARD as we had expected. We'd been told that jetlag in a toddler takes 1-2 days/nights to overcome for EVERY HOUR OF TIME DIFFERENCE!! That translated into 12-24 days to correct his schedule! We were blessed that it only took about 7-10 days before he was sleeping pretty well and seemed to have his nights and days straight. He had a hard time adjusting those early days and it was impossible to differentiate between jetlag, fear, anxiety, frustration and just being a toddler who didn't like to sleep. It was likely a mixture of all of these! With loving consistency, he is now sleeping alone in his own bed in his own room all night...and seems to like it!! He goes around and blows kisses to all of us and says "Nigh-nigh" and then gets right into his bed!! He still likes to reach his hand out and hold the hand of whichever one of us is putting him down as we sing to him and occasionally he will lay in our arms and let us rock him which is so very sweet.

I've never seen a kid love a bath so much or wash so voraciously!!

His English is coming along too. He seems to understand almost everything we say and even though he only says a very few words (at least in English!), he is very good at getting us to understand him through gestures, sign language and sounds!

He has become extremely affectionate with both Steve and me. He will often run up to us and throw his arms around us and give us kisses. He is beginning to do this with the big kids as well, though they are often still in his personal space more than he likes! I got one unprompted kiss in China and I get several a day now. Watching his trust and love for us blossom is so incredibly beautiful!!

apparently this book is hilarious!!

 

We have been "cocooning" these early days home, meaning staying home as much as possible and minimizing interaction with people outside our immediate family. The purpose of this is to help Caleb firmly attach to us as his parents and siblings. We've gone to the park, run a few errands and had some short visits from grandparents but we have made sure that Steve and I are the only ones directly caring for Caleb. We had our first pediatrician visit and our first post adoption visit with our social worker. Both went very well. We went to church but kept Caleb with us as we will wait a few weeks and make sure we are seeing strong attachment before we leave him in the nursery.

 

Sliding with sis! 

 

Adoption and the change it brings are so beautiful and yet so very broken. I look at this beautiful boy who is giving us his heart and his kisses and I think of the woman on the other side of the world who gave that up and my heart aches. I think of the months of his life that I know nothing about and my heart aches. Someday Caleb will face these realities and the unanswered questions and his little heart will ache with the loss of his first family.

This kid falls right to sleep in the car!! 

I feel compelled to share our journey as a family in the hopes that it will encourage others who are considering adoption as well as sharing with all those who helped us so much through our adoption process. At the same time I feel very protective of certain parts of the story as I realize that all three of my children are human beings with their own stories to tell and I want to honor and respect that and not share things carelessly without considering this reality. This addition has brought change to our family and change is never easy. There have been moments when I have thought about how easy life used to be and I've longed for that easiness, but at the end of the day I wouldn't trade this journey or this process or most of all this SON for all the ease and comfort on the planet!!

When we started this process I wondered if I could love a child I didn't give birth to as much as the ones that I did. While I admit it has been extremely different getting to know a 20 month old that is suddenly my child with all kinds of ideas, habits, personality traits and experiences I know very little about than it was getting to watch a newborn grow and develop with my own genetics, I am here to tell you that motherhood is truly a miracle...no matter how it happens.  I love this sweet boy to the moon and back and then some!!

Caleb's first Easter!! Worshipping the risen Savior with Mommy!



Home Sweet Home!

We made it home!! I can't even begin to describe how wonderful it is to be home and together as a family of five!!

Our flight went very well overall - much better than we had expected! We joked about how Caleb's  behavior on the plane is a true testament to the power of prayer, Dramamine and Benadryl!! He didn't have any tummy problems and he only got really upset a couple times. He mainly sat and played and slept. He took about 3 naps on the long flight. We had bought a few toys for him in China and kept them hidden until the plane ride, which proved to be a good idea!

He was asleep when we landed in Chicago. He slept peacefully through another moment in the series of moments that have changed the life of this precious child in the past few weeks! This was the moment he became an American citizen! As we started our descent, I looked over at Steve and said "he's about to become an American!!" to which Steve replied with an excited "I know!!" The way the adoption process works for Chinese adoptions, their paperwork is prepared in advance and once they are on American soil, they officially become a citizen. I was struck yet again by what an awesome privilege it is to be an American. So many people want to come here and never are able to do so! We saw this first hand at the American Consulate in Guangzhou. Crowds of Chinese people lined up outside trying to obtain visas to get to the US! It really is such an awesome country! I had grown up hearing and believing that, but something about seeing first hand how much people want to come here brings a new sense of patriotism!

We got off the plane, strapped Caleb onto Steve with the carrier and quickly made our way through the line for immigration and customs. We were still with the two other families we'd been with for the entire trip and despite our exhaustion after having just survived a 15 hour flight with toddlers, we all had this excitement over our new little citizens!

We had almost a five hour layover in Chicago. We weren't sure how long customs would take but it turned out to be pretty quick for us. We grabbed some food and settled down to wait. During our wait we had to say goodbye to the other families that had been our travel companions. We were so sad to part ways but we were all so ready to get home!

After 4 gate changes and an hour delay due to the crew for our flight being on another late flight, we finally boarded the plane that would take us home! Caleb had done well for most of our layover but at the very end he was really struggling! I think the exhaustion and the long hours of travel were taking their toll on all of us! While we were waiting to board the flight to Louisville, we met another family from Louisville with several Chinese children. They were on their way home after a spring break trip and they struck up a conversation with us when they noticed we had a Chinese child. It turns out that they have a 7 year old daughter adopted from the same orphanage as Caleb!! What a small world and what a blessing to have met them! The little girl was so cute! She came over to me and said "I'm so sorry, but I don't remember your little boy!" Her dad explained that she had been adopted before he was born and then she was quite relieved to know she had not forgotten an old friend!

Once we boarded the plane, all three of us went to sleep. At this point, we'd been traveling over 24 hours and Caleb had napped intermittently but none of us had gotten very much quality rest during that time. The flight was very quick and I woke up just as we were landing. We were home!! I was so happy and the knowledge that I was minutes away from hugging Jasmine and Joshua coupled with my exhaustion started to make me very emotional!! As we approached the area where everyone waited for us I found myself walking faster and faster and then I caught a glimpse of my kids!! I dropped my bag and ran toward them and they ran at me and we were all hugging and I was bawling. Joshua said "I'm so happy I feel like I'm going to cry!" There was a big crowd of friends and family cheering for us, waving "welcome home" signs and waiting to greet us, even despite the lateness of the hour! It was amazing. So many people who had helped us fundraise, who had given freely of their time, energy and money, who had prayed for us faithfully every step of the way were now welcoming us home. I am still so humbled at the memory of it all!

The last several days we have been soaking up family time. The big kids still had Friday off for spring break, which was wonderful. We had some nice weather and played outside and inside. Friends have been bringing meals so that we could spend time resting and bonding with Caleb and that has been an incredible blessing!!

Jet lag is an ugly beast, especially when it involves a toddler trying to adjust to a new hemisphere's time zone! The first several nights were very difficult but we are beginning to see improvement in Caleb's sleep habits. He is definitely now at least tired at the appropriate times, but he still wakes up to make sure we are still here. I'm pretty sure he has never slept in a room alone before so that takes some getting used to, but he is adjusting well for the most part. (I've been talking to the other mamas we travelled with and their little ones are doing a lot of the very same things, so I am quite reassured that this is to be expected!)

Caleb is a strong willed, resilient, smart, silly and loving child. I'm amazed at his ability to smile and to love so freely after all he has been through in his 20 month lifetime! We have finally been home longer than we were in any one hotel with him in China, but I keep reminding myself that he has gone through so many rapid changes in the last few weeks that it will take time for him to realize that our family is forever.

He absolutely ADORES Jasmine and Joshua and the feeling is quite mutual. They are all very much in a "honeymoon" phase. I don't expect it to last forever, but I am eating up the sweetness and the newness as we settle in to our new normal.

Caleb is learning English quite well. He seems to understand a great deal of what we say and has begun to repeat a few words. He says "hi" and "bye" very well. He  also says "more" and just this morning he looked at Steve and said "daddy"! (He has been calling us both "mama" and Steve keeps telling him "I'm not mama, silly! I'm daddy!")

So this is it. Home. Let the journey truly begin!!

Consulate and Guangzhou Zoo

We had a very full day today! First, we had our consulate appointment. We met as a group down in the hotel lobby at 7:40 this morning and piled into a van to drive to the consulate. When we got there I couldn't believe how many people were lined up trying to get inside! They were all trying to get Visas to come to the US. Our guide in Beijing told us she's never been to the US because it is so hard to get a visa. We thankfully got to go through a special line for adoptions and didn't have to wait in the masses. I am reminded how blessed I am to have been born in the greatest country on earth. So many people want to come to the US so badly! So many things we take for granted that they don't have here! Like clean water....we have had to use bottled or boiled water for everything (except bathing) here....for washing dishes, for drinking, for brushing our teeth! I had no idea before I prepared for this trip how blessed we are to have clean water and clean air. The pollution and smog here is unimaginable until you experience it. Here in China the government controls nearly everything, right down to when you can drive your vehicle and how many children you can have. I am so very thankful for my freedom in America!!

We were allowed to take one quick picture outside but then had to leave our phones and watches with our guide outside. We were only allowed to carry our paperwork and a diaper and wipes in a clear large ziplock bag inside with us. Security is very high, like an American airport. We went through security and then inside the consulate where we took an immigrant oath on behalf of our children and then gave our paperwork to them to issue Caleb's visa. When the official finished checking our paperwork, he said some of the best words I've heard on this trip: "Congratulations, Mrs. Porter, your process is complete. Your son's visa will be ready tomorrow. Have a safe journey home." Not gonna lie, I choked up a little!! When we land in Chicago, Caleb will become an American citizen!

After the consulate, we went to the Guangzhou Zoo. Caleb loved seeing the animals. It was lots of fun. They have some of the same type exhibits we see at home, but also some different ones! They have a large exhibit of pigs and also of horses!! You can just drive through rural Kentucky and see those any time you want!

 

 

After the zoo, we drove to a traditional place for families to have group photos taken here in Guangzhou. This is the Five Ram Statue. It is based on a Chinese legend about the city. It started raining (again) as we were approaching the statue and we had to go up a LOT of steps to get to it, so it made for a challenging few minutes with all the babies, but we got the shot!

 

 

 

 

We also took an indoor group shot in the hotel lobby.

 

 

This evening our group split up. The families with the girls went on a riverboat dinner cruise while the families with little boys went to try a famous local noodle house for dinner. It rained all afternoon (again!) and the boat cruise was several hours and with our active boys we didn't feel like wrestling them to contain them on the boat for the dinner and entertainment for several hours. The sweet girls in our group have calmer dispositions than our wild boys!! We loved the noodle house! There was no English, but the menu had lots of pictures so we pointed at what we wanted and they brought it to us. It was super yummy and a great experience for our last night here.

 

Tomorrow, our guide will pick up our kids' visas at the consulate and bring them to us in the hotel at 4 pm where we've arranged for late checkout. We will then ride in a van to Hong Kong to stay overnight before we fly out Thursday morning. I can't believe only 2 more sleeps till we board that plane to come home. This trip has been an incredible once in a lifetime experience that I will always treasure but I just can't wait to be home!!

 

 





Shamian Island and MY FIRST KISS!!!

Yesterday after Caleb's nap we went out walking for a bit. There are so many places within walking distance! We got a few snacks for the room at the grocery store and then wound up at McDonalds. We met another family from our agency in McDonalds who was just getting here to have their Gotcha Day today (Monday). (If a child is adopted from Guangdong province, that family stays in Guangzhou the entire two weeks. There are a couple families here adopting this week from Guangdong.)

We walked back, did bath time and put Caleb to bed. The first few days, he was letting me rock him to sleep. Although we know at some point he needs to get used to falling asleep on his own, I have been so happy to let him fall asleep in my arms! He may likely have never been rocked to sleep before! What a privilege! The last few times he's gone to sleep though, Caleb has been more difficult. He doesn't want to stop playing and settle down and the fact that he won't take a bottle from us makes it that much harder to get him to quiet down and be still. He is very active and he fights sleep with a vengeance!! The nannies told us that he doesn't like to sleep! Also, as he is getting more comfortable with us, we've noticed he has begun testing us more. This is the hard part of toddler adoption!! We need to make him comfortable and foster strong attachment in these early days, but we also have to lovingly let him know we are in charge! This is hard with a biological toddler from the best of circumstances, so I'm sure you can imagine the challenge of parenting an almost two year old from a "hard place."  Although I tried to hold him and sing to him, he fought me and kicked and fussed and cried, despite being very tired. The crib here in our room has a drop side, so I dropped the side down, laid him in the crib and pulled the crib over so it was up against our bed and laid down facing him and sang to him. He calmed right down! He even reached over and held my hand for awhile! Last night he became playful and kept wanting to play peek-a-boo with his blanket. I told him goodnight and got up and went out to the living room leaving the door cracked open and he didn't cry! He just talked to himself for a few minutes and then went to sleep. We did the same thing today for nap. He rubs his hands together when he is going to sleep. It seems to be a self soothing mechanism and it is so precious!!

This morning it was still rainy so instead of the zoo, we went to Shamian Island. It is a beautiful tourist area that all American families love to visit while they are here in Guangzhou. We ran into some other families here that were not with our agency but that we had connected with through Facebook, which was very fun! We also bought a lot of great gifts...but I can't discuss that on the blog because I'm pretty sure all the recipients of those gifts read this blog!

 

 

 

While we were there, we found a barbershop that cut Caleb's hair for us!! His hair was so long and he would get so sweaty and it just looked uncomfortable (not to mention unkempt!). We were somehow able to communicate with the lady cutting hair even though she spoke no English and she trimmed up his hair for us for just 20 RMB (about $3.50)!! May not be the best haircut he gets in his life, but its a heck of a lot better and for so cheap, we certainly can't complain!! He did great. He was scared and started freaking out in the chair so Steve ended up holding him and he actually held pretty still the whole time!!

It is tradition for adopting families to take a picture of their new child with this statue on Shamian Island.

We shopped for awhile and then had lunch at an American style diner on the Island. After we ate, we headed back to the hotel for naptime. We sat in the back of the van and Caleb loves to stand between us and look out the back window of the van. (He is going to have major culture shock with our American car seats, but personally I can't wait. I hate driving around with him loose and unrestrained!!) We were just riding along and Caleb was between us and my arm was around him as an anchor when all of the sudden, he turned his head, looked at me for a second and then planted a big kiss on my cheek!!! BE STILL MY HEART!!! A totally unsolicited first kiss from this sweet little boy! I got tears in my eyes and squealed with delight and all of the families with us got to share my joy in that moment. That single moment made every painful and difficult thing about this journey completely worth it.

Tonight, we walked around some more and went to dinner with another family at Pizza Hut. Caleb ate two pieces of pizza and a baby food pouch and some puffs. The kid can eat like a Porter!

There was a Bentley parked out in front of our hotel. I had to take a picture.

Here are some more pics from our afternoon. He loves to wrestle. He and I are wrestling and he is laughing hysterically!

Going for a stroll with Daddy. He loves to walk between us holding both our hands, but there was no one around to get a picture of that!

 

He could ride the escalators all day long.

Tomorrow morning we go to the American Consulate bright and early to take an oath for Caleb's citizenship and to submit his visa paperwork to come to the USA! We hope to do the zoo after if this nasty weather goes away!! Only 3 more sleeps in China!! I cannot WAIT to have all the pieces of my heart in one place. HOME.

Pictures!

Yesterday after Caleb woke up from his nap, we decided to venture out and explore the hotel a little bit. We walked outside and saw the waterfall and the pond with lots of bright fish in it. Any time Caleb sees a small animal, including a bird or a fish, he yells "woof-woof!" at it. This is hilarious to see. We haven't seen any large animals, but we've seen some pictures of some and some statues and to these he does a very guttural "rooaaarrr." The zoo should be a lot of laughs with him!!

Here is the rooftop pool. It is not on the top of the 30th floor, but is accessed from the 4th floor. Notice the sunbathing beds around it. I find myself kind of wishing it was the season to use this pool. Its not quite warm enough here just yet!

There is also an outdoor playground across from the pool, but it was too wet to use. There is an indoor playroom for toddlers and Caleb did enjoy that!

Last night we ate at a local Mexican restaurant with our group. It was delicious! Caleb loved his quesadilla! I didn't take any pictures there, but I wish I had. It seems so funny to see Chinese people dressed up as Mexicans, but then again, Mexican people may think its funny to see white folk dressed up like them in our restaurants at home, too!

Today (Sunday here) we went shopping. We went to a local mall where they have wholesale pearl, turquoise and jade markets. The mall was HUGE. Steve wasn't a big fan of all the jewelry and souvenir shops, so he went with some of the other guys in the group and walked around with the kids while the ladies did our shopping! This is the mall. Six floors!! Shops all crowded in everywhere!!

 

This is the pearl market. They had beautiful pearls in natural and dyed colors. 

 

After this, we went to the Chen Clan Academy (Also called the Cantonese Folk Art Museum). Here they had beautiful artwork for sale as well as custom made stamps, jewelry, Christmas ornaments and souvenirs. We saw a LOT of beautiful stuff and did some shopping! It was rainy, so the pictures don't do it justice! This is the view looking out from the museum at the street.

This is looking at the museum.

The museum was a large building that went around the outside of a large courtyard in the middle. This is taken standing inside one part, looking out through the courtyard to the other part of the building. Everything on the building is hand made and took many years to complete. It is hard to see from the pictures but it was an exquisite structure!!

 

 

This is what Caleb thought of all the shopping! Snoozefest!!

 



 

We came back to the hotel and had lunch in the room and put Caleb down to nap. It has been thunder storming like crazy! We are supposed to go to the zoo tomorrow, so we are hoping the weather clears up. If not, we are planning to swap it for another shopping day scheduled for Wednesday before we leave. It would be fantastic if we could get some good weather for both days!!

 

This is the view from the living room of our suite in the hotel! (Taken yesterday before all the thunderstorms came in!)

 

 

 Also taken from our living room window looking the other direction.

Taken from the 30th floor window. They have a restaurant up there that turns as you eat. Our first morning here, the breakfast on the main floor (that comes with the room) got too crowded, so they sent us up to the 30th floor for breakfast (at no charge!). It was beautiful!!