Sunday, October 12, 2014

The First Six Months of Forever

Hard to believe we are well past the 6 month anniversary of Caleb's gotcha! Seems like only yesterday we were flying around the world to meet him! I'm amazed at his progress and the amount of change we've all adjusted to in such a short time! People often ask how everything is going and I'm never quite sure exactly how much information they really want to know. I usually smile and tell them we are doing well...which is true....but I fear that this oversimplifies and does not do justice to the reality of our new normal. As I sit and contemplate how best to update those that love us, I am (as always) acutely aware of the need for honesty to be tempered with grace and respect for the privacy of my family and of Caleb, as ultimately, how he has come to us is HIS story to tell someday when and how he desires to tell it. I was recently talking to another adoptive mom about some of the struggles we've faced in these early months and she said "I am so glad to know it isn't just our family that has struggled at times. I read so many blogs that are all so happy and beautiful and I think I'm failing!" Nope. It isn't all rainbows and butterflies!! That being said, I promise you that what I share here is the truth and that the details I choose to reveal are those that I feel confident might encourage others on their own adoption journey and also give friends and family a glimpse into our every day lives.

River front family pic

Honestly, these early months have been hard!! They've been like having a newborn and a 2 year old rolled into one! They have been rewarding beyond belief. They have been fun. They have been exhausting. They have been incredibly joyous, yet not void of grief. They have been chaotic at times. They have been laborious. They have been belly laughs and frustrated tears. They have been progress and change. They have been growth. They have been mistakes and wrong turns and forgiveness. They have been healing and adjusting. They have been many many things, but easy is definitely not among them!

my li'l pumpkin!

I have been more aware than ever before of the reasons God gives us those early months and years with our children as infants. It is through those early days of their total dependency that we form a strong bond -- a bond that is strong and secure before the need for discipline ever enters the picture! With Jasmine and Joshua I had close to two years of caring for them before it ever crossed their minds to disobey or tell me "no". With Caleb I had maybe an hour. Disciplining a toddler is difficult in the best of circumstances, but disciplining a toddler while also attempting to form a tight parent child bond and earn their trust is one of the most difficult things I've ever attempted to do!! Not only did Caleb come to us with zero knowledge of what a family means, he also came to us as an energetic, strong willed toddler, having never experienced loving discipline! Thankfully, our agency provided training for us throughout our process and also helped us to have realistic expectations. Overall, things are going well in this area, but we have not been perfect. There have been days I have been so pleased with the way we've all handled challenges... and there have been days I've failed miserably. (There may have been an incident in which a banana was thrown at me by a certain toddler and I completely lost my temper and made all three of my children cry before we were through breakfast. I may have later called my mother in tears convinced that I was the worst mom on the planet and that my children deserved better. The only defense I can offer for this hypothetical scenario is that it occurred on day eleven of a twelve day business trip my husband was on and I WAS SO SO TIRED. Hypothetically, of course.)

I recently read a couple of blog posts about the early months home with an internationally adopted child that blessed me down deep in my bones. You can read them here and here.There is no shortage of feelings that surface in everyone involved in this process and sorting through those feelings is no easy task. I decided to love Caleb when I started the adoption process, even before I knew who he was. Then I saw his picture and knew I'd move heaven and earth to get that boy into my arms and into my home. Though there is no question that we love him, the experience of joining him to our family is so very different than when a child joins by birth. I've had to let go of comparisons and mommy guilt over feeling differently and realize that adoption is different and that's ok. It's still love. And sometimes love means we do the right thing when we don't feel like it. Sometimes it means fighting for a piece of a child's heart that he has locked away. Sometimes it means fighting for your own heart when all you feel is exhausted frustration.  Sometimes it means grieving with and for your child. Sometimes it means putting your feelings and your guilt in the deep freeze and moving ahead with being mommy for the sake of your family. And sometimes that ooey gooey overwhelming warm fuzzy feeling we think of as "love" sneaks up on you and catches you unaware and you cry like a baby when you realize your child is terrified of thunder and all you can think of is "who comforted him when it stormed in China??"
 

He loves slides!

Caleb obeys us amazingly well considering the short time we've been together. I continue to be amazed at how loving, consistent boundaries and discipline actually seem to strengthen his bond to us. He tests and says 'no' and throws tantrums, but honestly after having raised two previous children past toddler-hood, he seems to be a very typical two year old. He wants to do things himself. He gets frustrated when he can't do things without help. He loves to tease. He loves to read the same books over and over until I have them all memorized and could recite them in my sleep. He loves Elmo. He loves cars and trucks and buses and airplanes and "choo-choos" and loudly points them out when he is in the car or outside. His language is progressing nicely. His receptive language is amazing. I can't believe how well he understands. His expressive language is a work in progress. There are words he says very clearly and other sounds that he doesn't seem able to make at all. I understand 80-90% of what he says (but only because I'm his mom!) but every now and then we hit a wall and both of us get frustrated. He is good at gesturing, sign language, and showing me what he wants, so we do pretty well overall. We are having First Steps come out for an evaluation to see if they might be able to help with his speech. (First Steps is Kentucky's early childhood intervention program. It is free for kids under 3 so he may get a little bit of speech therapy if he qualifies.) He occasionally puts two words together, but has a hard time saying more than two syllables at a time.


The three kiddos at the Falls of the Ohio


In August we celebrated Caleb's second birthday. He had no clue what we were doing, but he loved the cupcakes and the presents!! It felt so odd to me to celebrate a birthday with a child that is mine but that I didn't birth. I am just so very grateful to the mother that gave him life and will always acknowledge both this special day and that very special woman.


Happy birthday, Caleb!!!

When the big kids went back to school, Caleb started Mothers Day Out two days a week while I work. He goes to the same school the big kids go to (they have a full preschool program) which has been great! Not only does it minimize the running I do, he also knows that they are there and has seen the pattern of them getting dropped off and picked up every day. He has adjusted well to this, but struggles with crying at nap time. The teacher says he cries for me, which is hard to hear, but a good sign of healthy attachment. This is an area where it is impossible to tell if this is an adoption related issue (possibly all the kids on cots all over the room remind him of the orphanage and he freaks out and cries for mommy) or a normal toddler thing (he doesn't want to stop playing and take a nap so he cries. For the record, he loves nap time at home and is very compliant with it, often asking for "night night" when he gets sleepy!)  His teacher has been phenomenal with understanding his circumstances and communicating with us to help him through it. If I didn't need the childcare for my job, I wouldn't have chosen to put him in a childcare setting so soon, but overall he does remarkably well with it and it seems to have been good for his social development and language.

 SO excited for school!
 First day of Mother's Day Out....with bro and sis and a backpack bigger than he is!!

I'm happy to report that Joshua is doing fantastically well. He struggled so much for the first few months we were home, but he has come through that crisis and has settled into a beautifully normal relationship with his little brother. Caleb idolizes him. He calls him "Jah-Jah" and follows him around and imitates everything he does. Joshua handles it well and rarely has to be reminded to be a good example. He is usually happy to see Caleb after school and play with him a little and then he yells for me to make Caleb get out of his room or make him stop touching his stuff. Beautifully normal.

Big bro helping Caleb eat some yogurt (one of Caleb's most favorite things!)

Jasmine still thrives in the roll of big sis. Caleb usually calls her "sissy" but sometimes he says "Shazzy" too. He has learned that if mommy's hands are too busy to help him at any given time, he can yell for Sis and get a pretty quick response.

Caleb quickly learned to LOVE swimming this summer!!
I am so blessed to be part of a group of adoptive moms locally that gets together monthly for dinner out and plans lots of play dates for our whole families. (Most of these moms have Asian children.) I am so thankful that Caleb has a community of people his age and his race with his background to grow up with. I am also blessed beyond measure by the women in this group. These. Are. My. People. This community has been invaluable to our success as a family and in many ways, to my sanity.

Caleb & I and my dear friend, Jennie, with her daughter, Kate, adopted from the SAME ORPHANAGE as Caleb!!!
a group shot from a recent outing with our adoption group

Caleb is still a cuddle bug and very much a creature of habit. When we first came home, we'd point to ourselves and say "mommy", "daddy" and so on. We'd point at him and say "Caleb" to help him learn his name. Every night when I'd put him to bed, I'd kiss him and say "I'm so glad God picked me to be your forever mommy!" I'd pat my chest and say "forever mommy" and pat his and say "forever my Caleb." Now he initiates this ritual at night and if I forget, he quickly gets my attention and says "mommy, Day-Day (how he tries to say Caleb), evuh!"

In China, I started singing the song "A Thousand Years" to him every night as I put him to bed. That has become our special song and he wants me to sing it to him every night and also if he is scared or wants comfort. He asks other people (Steve or grandma) to sing "Jesus" (Jesus Loves Me) but he always wants me to sing that special song.  (He calls it the Bah Bah song..I have no idea why but that is how he refers to it). The whole song felt like the perfect fit to our journey to him and our Gotcha day, so if you don't know it, you can hear it in our coming home video here. The chorus says "I have died every day waiting for you/ Darling don't be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years/ I'll love you for a thousand more/ All along I believed I would find you/ time has brought your heart to me/ I have loved you for a thousand years/ I'll love you for a thousand more."  I've never been so tired of singing one song in my life, but I do it every day because I know these days of his babyhood are so fleeting and what seems now to be boring and endless repetition will soon become sweet and distant memories.

taken through the kitchen window...Caleb playing in the sandbox while I made dinner

When I reflect on the last six months and look ahead to the future of our family I can't help but be overwhelmed at the blessings we've received from obeying God's call on our lives to care for the fatherless through adoption. What a miracle it has been in each of our hearts. We could have said no. We could have ignored God's call to go to China. We could have had an easier life, more money, more space in our home. We could have missed all this. I could have missed hearing Caleb's first 'yuh-yoo' (I love you) as I laid him in bed one night. I could have missed out on beautiful friendships with some of the most amazing people I know. I could have missed watching God awesomely provide every penny we needed to bring this boy home. I could have missed teaching my children so many lessons about love. I could have missed hearing Caleb say 'Jesus' when he wants to us to sing 'Jesus Loves Me' to him. I could have missed seeing the love for their siblings grow and blossom in all three of my children! I could have missed his morning requests with outstretched arms for "oven" (lovin').  So many miracles we could have missed, not the least of which is an amazing little boy who calls me "mommy."



4 comments:

  1. Thank you for taking the time to share this. It helps a far-away and very proud grandpa stay connected.

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    1. Thanks, Doug! I struggled a lot with this one. Feel such a need for honesty but at the same time don't want to be negative or put something out there that I wouldn't want Caleb or the other kids to one day read! We miss you guys and can't wait for you to meet Caleb at Christmas!!

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  2. Hi! We are waiting for our LOA for a 21 month old boy from China. Came across your blog, and really enjoyed your honest look at the first 6 months. I would love to read the two articles you referenced that were so helpful to you, but the links don't work. Would you mind passing them along? Thanks! --Emily

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    1. Hi Emily! are you with Lifeline? How did you come across this blog? Feel free to read back through it for my perspective on various aspects throughout our journey:) I have no idea why the links didn't work...my apologies! I have fixed them and they are now working for me when I test them!

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