We got official word today that our dossier has been sent to China!! (Our dossier is made up of all the official documents we have been compiling for the last nine months. DTC is adoption lingo for Dossier to China.) Sometime in the next month it will be "logged in" to the China Center for Children's Welfare and Adoption (CCCWA) and we will be officially ready to be "matched" with a child. For the next few months we will likely be waiting on the Chinese end of things and not have a whole lot to do on this end. Of course we will stay busy with our upcoming Both Hands project and then the holidays...so really we have lots to keep us from going crazy waiting!
This news today evoked a unique feeling deep within me. It's a mix of fear and anticipation. A feeling of being overwhelmed with wonder at the possibilities that await us and the responsibility we are taking on, yet a feeling of peace in knowing we are doing what God has called us to do as a family and that He is in every detail.
I have felt this feeling a few times, but one specifically comes to mind. It was Fall, 1998, sophomore year at Milligan College. Fundamentals of Nursing I. My first real nursing class and my very first clinical. the professor assigned us each a patient that we would spend the next day caring for. We were to go to the hospital the evening before clinical and read over the patient's chart and write a care plan. I remember sitting for what felt like hours in that hospital staring at that chart and thinking "I'm not sure I can do this." So many big words I didn't yet understand, so many unfamiliar abbreviations. I remember laboriously trying to decipher hand writing and spending inordinate amounts of time looking up pathophysiology of disease processes and making note cards for every medication listed. I was overwhelmed. But I knew I wanted to be a nurse. More than knowing I wanted to be a nurse, I couldn't imagine being anything else. Somehow I muddled through that clinical and the many that followed. Flash forward fifteen years and ironically, the bulk of my job consists of reviewing patient charts. After working as a bedside nurse in a cardiac ICU for the bulk of my career, those big words, abbreviations and medications are now second nature to me.
In many ways this point in our adoption journey feels much like that first clinical. I've done enough paperwork to kill a forest. I've learned a vast array of new words and abbreviations that make up this crazy process. I've met, and formed friendships with lots of other adoptive mamas and mamas-to-be. I've spent hours studying the attachment process in children from hard places. I've sought resources to help our family through what promises to be a huge change for all of us. But I have so much to learn. I'm overwhelmed. I'm afraid. I know I have a tremendous amount of work and adjustment in my near future. But I also know it will be worth it.
Looking back at that memory from college I am struck by all the things I didn't yet know. Not just clinical "head" kind of knowledge, but the kind that only years of experience can bring. On that evening in that hospital I did not yet know the feeling of pure fear and adrenaline that accompanied grabbing the paddles during a code and yelling "all clear!" just before shocking a patient's heart back into rhythm. I had not yet experienced the days laying awake wondering if I could have done anything differently and had a better impact on my patient the night before. I hadn't yet held a patient's hand as they left this world and entered the next. I hadn't yet attempted to feebly comfort the grieving widower who asked me "How am I ever going to make it with out her?" I hadn't yet known the joy of someone beating incredible odds and walking out of the hospital after spending weeks or months fighting for their life. I have not been a perfect nurse, but I believe I've been a good one. I've never regretted my career choice and I still can't imagine being anything else.
I can't help wondering what I will think looking back at this moment fifteen years in the future. I have not yet met my third child. I haven't seen his face. I haven't bonded with him. I haven't held him when he cried, cared for him when he's sick, learned what makes him laugh or calms his fears. I haven't had the joy of seeing my three children play together. I haven't yet had to explain to him why he looks different than his brother and sister and mommy and daddy. I haven't yet explained to him that he did not grow in my tummy. I haven't had to look into his eyes when he asks about his biological family. I know it's coming. Laughter, tears, questions, anger, joy.... more than I can ever predict or plan for. I haven't been a perfect mama to my babies and I know I won't be perfect this time. Being a mom is such a huge part of who I am and more than anything I want to be the best I can for my kids. I pray I am worthy of the blessing of this most noble job.
This journey is a faith walk. It is not easy ...but what truly worthwhile thing in life is easy? The most rewarding things I've ever done have undoubtedly also been the most challenging.
So our family celebrates a milestone in our journey today. With pounding hearts and sweaty palms and complete confidence in the one who called us to this task!
"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in you." Isaiah 26:3
Lord give me the strength and faith I need to obey you completely today.
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